vicki
Psalm 34:5
Bible Verse Series - Mixed Media
"Psalm 34:5 tells us to look to Him and be radiant so your faces shall never be ashamed.”
Shame is a very common feeling for sexual abuse survivors. Often when we are abused as children, our minds cannot comprehend that someone we love and trust would treat us that way so we place the blame of the abuse on ourselves that we must have done something to cause it to happen.
Then we feel shame. That we don’t deserve anything good. That we should be punished for causing something so bad to happen. But His Word tells that we can look to God and be radiant- shining, happy, joyful and we have no need to feel shame anymore, ever again, never. Life has struggles and past abuse brings extra difficulties.
But I have made the choice that no matter what comes, I will trust in the Lord and remain faithful to His promises that He has a plan of sheer goodness for me. I hold the vision of a hope and a future. A life of happiness, health and abundance. No matter what I see with my eyes, I believe with faith His promises. "
Psalm 62:6
Bible Verse Series - Mixed Media
Many times a side effect of trauma is a fractured or non-existent relationship with God. During my times of Bible reading and reflection, I jotted down Bible verses that spoke to me and then painted what I imagined visually. Psalm 62:6 I will not be shaken, Life has struggles. Past Abuse brings extra difficulties. But I have made the choice that no matter what comes, I will trust in the Lord and remain faithful to His promises that He has a plan of sheer goodness for me. I hold the vision of a hope and a future. A life of happiness, health and abundance. No matter what I see with my eyes, I believe with faith His promises.
Luke 12:7
Bible Verse Series - Mixed Media
Luke 12:7 - The hairs on your head are numbered. Sometimes I need a reminder how intimately God knows me. When times are tough and I feel overwhelmed with what has happened to me and what I need to work on, I remember He literally knows how many hairs are on my head. And He has a plan of sheer goodness for me. No matter what I have been through, He can bring good out of it.
1 Corinthians 3:16
Bible Verse Series - Mixed Media
1 Cor 3:16 reminds us that God’s Spirit dwells within us. Why would our Creator dwell within us if He didn’t care for us? What is God’s spirit? Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Tenderness, Self-Control, Knowledge, Wisdom, Courage, Strength, Understanding, Discernment, Respect. All those are in us! And if we allow those parts to shine, the possibilities of a life of sheer goodness are just a matter of time.
My Family
Mixed Media
After my repressed sexual abuse memories came back 18 years into our marriage, I went through years of healing. It was not easy. Sometimes it was so tough, I wished my husband or I would die in our sleep. I just wanted to be alone. But did I really? Maybe I wouldn't have to explain my triggers or share my struggles if I was alone. BUT I also wouldn't have his grounding, his support, his love, his unwavering belief and support of me. I chose to look at the wonderful man he was and chose, time after time, to be uncomfortable and share when I didn't feel like it and thank him for his support. I chose to get him on the same page with me so we could walk side by side. This August we celebrated 35 years of marriage and I painted this for my best friend. I am so thankful for the choices I made and amazing life we enjoy every day.
I-97
Retreat Growth Series - Pen Sketching
I Am Vulnerable
Retreat Growth Series - Pen Sketching
The last day of the Winter Wonderland Retreat began with our in person “Campfire with Christine.” We were asked to pick a word to focus on. Immediately the word “vulnerable” came to my mind, but that didn’t feel safe to say. I mentioned to Jenn, who was right next to me that I have a word but I am afraid to write it down. She said, “Vicki, the same part of the brain lights up with excitement and fear. Do it. Write it.” So I did. And later as we reflected around another fire and walked down to a frozen lake and we walked on water, we were invited to own and yell at the top of our lungs the word we wrote down. I got a lump in my throat, silently cursed Jenn and thought, if I knew I was going to have to yell it, I wouldn’t have written it, but too late now. One by one, everyone yelled their word. And when it came to me, my voice broke as I exclaimed “I AM VULNERABLE!” I was proud of myself but tired. I pushed myself and trusted Maya and her team and was glad I went through what I did. But also glad I made it through on the other side. And I created more evidence that it is safe to be uncomfortable and there are certain people that I can trust and grow with.
Proof
Retreat Growth Series - Pen Sketching
My husband and I decided to participate in the outdoor play activity that Christine shared that would take around 30 minutes. When others were throwing snowballs and rolling in the snow, I was enjoying the sound of the crunching snow as I stepped. Then Maya gathered us in a circle and we held hands. She wanted one person to go in the center and just stand and be seen. She was searching the group and when we made eye contact, I knew she was going to pick me. “Vicki, You first.” I walked into the center of the circle and stood. I silently rotated around to make eye contact with each person, but I felt so vulnerable and started to cry. I was being seen, just for being. Not doing anything, just being. It was powerful. And then each person did it. One at a time. Every single person. It was powerful. And cold. I didn’t have a hat but did have some gloves.
This Is Me
Retreat Growth Series - Pen Sketching
Then when the last person was done, which happened to be my husband, we did a group hug and went inside. And I realized we had been out there over an hour. Maybe even 90 minutes. But here was the difference. Not once did I think, “Oh Christine lied to me.” And that was my proof that I was doing it! I was doing it! I was growing and learning and changing.
ASPECTS OF HEALING SERIES
Mixed Media
Emotion: I was never allowed to be angry. This is how it feels.
Anger: My mother always told me that I was such an angry girl. But I didn't feel angry, or when I got angry I was told to stop it. But when my repressed sexual abuse memories came back and I realized that I had shared with her what her father had done to me...and her response to that 5 year old girl was, "You are a bad girl. Don't you ever say anything like that ever again." Well no wonder I was mad at her. Releasing anger from the body is an important part of healing. Finally I've been able to let go.
Purging The Toxicity: I always had this lingering feeling that I really didn't want to be here. As I worked through healing and chose healthier mindsets and beliefs, I literally was heaving and threw up, knowing I was physically releasing the belief "I don't want to live." It was intense, powerful and so freeing. By releasing that toxicity, I could make room for Peace and Joy.
Peace: Once I released my anger and purged the belief that I no longer wanted to live, it made room for more peace and joy. And that is what I enjoy most in my life now.