vicki
Masks
In high school after visiting a haunted house, I noticed a fear of masks. I felt like I could only see the creepy eyes and it scared me, like run-away scared. My family thought it was funny and would hide and jump out with a mask on and I would be startled and scream and run and another would be waiting to jump out and scare me again. They thought it was funny that I could be so easily startled.
Turns out the when my repressed memories came back, one of my abusers was hiding in my closet with soot all over his face and he raped me. It was a mask of sorts. That’s also why drawing it with charcoal was significant. Just like the soot.
where’s the justice
How I feel that "they" all got away with it.
Disbelief
There has been a part of me that has not believed what happened to me. My memories were repressed until 18 years into my marriage. But every time I allow myself to say, "maybe it didn't really happen," I feel my body screaming "NO!!! It did happen."
Leaving Behind and Moving Forward
This is a representation of what I leave behind (the white trail behind the butterfly) and what I am moving towards (the swirling sun).
I Am a Survivor
I may be alone. But I am alive. I will make it. I am brave.
New Appreciation of Nature
In the beginning of my healing, I was angry with God for allowing the abuse to happen. As I worked through my feelings and shared them with him, I was able to understand His plan of sheer goodness for me. I have become very open to the beauty of Nature that He created.
What I Choose To Tell Myself
In my healing journey I am aware of the power of my thoughts and how I have the ability to choose what I think and believe.
Grace
Who I was and who I am becoming are all a part of who I am. Not consciously intending to, the face in the piece actually reminds me of some of my ancestors.
And I make it a habit to honor myself in my journey of what made me who I am and who I choose to become.
The Damage
Becoming aware of my repressed past sexual abuse memories was very difficult. Accepting that the abuse happened and how much damage was done.
You Matter
I love that message as it helps me remember that no matter what, I matter. I have worth. No matter what anyone did to me or told me about the abuse. I have value.
what plays in my mind
The things that people said that kept me silent or what they said when I told. It can be maddening.
Emotion
I was never allowed to be angry. This is how it feels.
HOllow
I felt empty for a long time. Until I was able to remember and process my past sexual abuse.
I Am
I created mantras to retrain my brain to believe who I wanted to be. In the beginning it was a struggle to tell myself these things. Now they have become a part of me.
Change of Perspective
During my healing from past sexual abuse, I realized that I was often thinking only a certain, limited way about how good things can really be for me. By changing my point of view and letting the wounded little girl learn how to play, the outcome of my life can be different. Better.
Living In The Moment
Having dissociated during some of the abuse, or waiting for it to be over created a habit of me not being present. I give myself reminders to be in the moment.
Release
My "word" for last year was "release". I wanted to let go of anything holding me back from living the life of my dreams. From enjoying the plan of sheer goodness that God has in store for me.
Beauty
In the “ick” of surviving sexual abuse, it is important to be able to see beauty somewhere.
Pete’s Dragon
Who comforts you in times of struggle? Whether others can see the entity or not, I have learned to find tangible ways that I feel supported.
Lost and Alone
As my repressed sexual abuse memories surfaced, I felt overwhelmed, lost and alone.