cheyene
BEHIND THE CURTAINS
Poem
Why didn’t you leave?
You’re young, beautiful, and very smart
You live in Chicago one of the biggest well-known cities in the U.S
Why am I doing this to Myself?
According to this facebook post
I saw the other day from some
website it said, “Nicotine, Weed, and/or alcohol isn’t a gateway drug, trauma is
Is the gateway drug, childhood abuse is the gateway drug.”
That post really got me thinking
I've always been good at school, always
been a respectful student, But was it my childhood
that helped me fall in love with
this man?
Was it my childhood who steered me into
popping pills when weed didn’t get me high
Anymore?
Or was it my trauma whoo made me agree to
dropping out of school to make
more money?
They say that growing up in an abusive
Household effects the kids by, their
behavior, stress, shame, lying fear of abandonment, empathy and etc...
School was fun growing up I always looked
forward to going every morning but the worst part
was that
Fear
that I got when it was time to go home
once I walked in the door
Yelling, Arguing, Dishes breaking
I would go straight to my room
dinner time would be the worst, I would walk in
the kitchen and find my mom on the floor
with boyfriend standing over her, that feeling of
Shame
used to hit hit me hard
But the worst thing I hated about going home was
BEDTIME….
her boyfriend used to climb into bed with me
to play games and tell secrets i could never tell
anybody about that’s when i would feel the worst
feeling in the world
Abandonment
there would be nobody there to protect me or save
me from the games that was being played or the
secrets that was being told
I keeps the things that happen to myself for years
to save my mother from the pain she might’ve
endured but the only feeling I felt was
Guilt
The attention given
emotions felt that
usually results in poor
communication, poor decision making
and low self-esteem
My childhood wasn’t the best, I didn’t get as
much love as I should’ve but my boyfriend
make sure I get the love I need and he
makes me like it
“He loves me”
I mean he’s the only person that has my
best interest at heart, and he’s always right
“We make Money”
That’s why I dropped out of school because
he says it gets in the way of
“Our”
money and he was right sometimes I pop
pills to get through my jobs sometimes we
have slow days and yeah he gets mad and
hits me
SOMETIMES
but I deserve i should’ve listened but he
“Doesn't mean it”
He always tells me that when I get older
and when i make us enough money that
we’re going to get a big house on the beach
and have kids and be happy and I don't
ever have to work again that what I'm doing
is only temporary
“He’s loves me”
right?
Because of this childhood
trauma most kid(victims)
end better or worst
I don’t even know why i’m even thinking
About this, I always get inside my head
when I see these type of posts
But at least i’m doing better than my momma did
right?